Looking Up

Do you remember how distraught and heartbroken I was?

And how Heavenly Father sent helpers to lift me up and dust me off?

And then I found myself looking up...with more hope....more than I expected.

.....

I almost dismissed this.

I almost took it as a given.

I almost didn't see.

I almost missed it.

There are things to look up about. There is hope. There is joy. There are blessings. 

Oh,

there

are

blessings.

Yesterday I found out I had been awarded a full tuition scholarship for Spring/Summer terms. 

That means......

HECK! I don't even know all the things that means!

I have been saving money really strategically for MONTHS! When the school year started, I knew I didn't have enough to graduate. It just wasn't there. So I put away a few hundred dollars every month. 

(this is me totally bragging: that is a hard thing to do! putting away a few hundred, EVERY MONTH. 

AS A COLLEGE STUDENT!)

Well, all of that hard work has paid off....sort of. Because now I can use it for something else. I mean, I still have Fall Semester Tuition that I need to worry about, but I have it all. If I keep saving and going at it, maybe I can use the money to buy a car! Maybe.

I am looking up. 

I almost didn't.

I almost kept chugging along without expressing thanks.

I almost missed the biggest blessing that has been handed to me in MONTHS!

Thank you. Heavenly Father, thank you. I don't even have words. Thank you for helping me to look up. Thank you for showing me that blessings come. Thank you for allowing this blessing to come so soon after a distressing weekend. Thank you for uplifting my spirit, and lightening my load. Thank you for being good, kind, and loving. Thank you for opening my eyes to hope.

I am looking up.

My Motto

Look! BYU must have heard me say this around campus, and they adopted it!

The Cure

Falling on your face

 (the face-plant)

 

Did you know that falling flat on your face, gives other people the chance to pick you up?

Did you know people actually notice when your face is firmly smashed in the dirt?
They do.
Because they care.

And you didn't know they care.
Now you have people who love you.
More then you expected...
(Especially when you didn't think they knew you existed)

But the person who notices the most is Heavenly Father.
And He loves you more then ever.
More then you expected....

You think:
He will be disappointed. He will be sad. He will just let you deal with it. He will let you figure it out. He will let you cry.

But you only got one thing right: He will let you cry.
....more then you expected....
Because He knows that if he tried to tell you in pre-tears mode....or even torrential-rain-tears-mode (the kind where even your nose is pouring down your face and it all turns into a sticky mess down your neck)...that you aren't in a place to listen. He lets you cry, and vent, and be unreasonably mortal. Because when you have finally stopped whimpering, and you have washed the stickiness off, He softly kisses your forehead and shows you what love is. He shows you He cares. He shows you the love when you are ready to listen. Ready to learn. Ready to rise up.

He helps you rise up. He has your brothers and sisters here on earth, reach down, grab your hand, and help you up. Your brother pulls the twigs out of your hair. Your sister wipes the dirt from your face. Another brother guides you to a place to sit and catch your breath. Another sister organizes relief efforts to be continued for an extended time.

Once you have stopped crying, you realize how loved you are. And you can keep going.

...Its more then you expected....

Your face is not in the dirt anymore. It is looking upwards.

...And you have more hope then you expected....

I'm not ok

Today was supposed to be the GREATEST day in weeks!! and it was the worst day I have had in YEARS!!!

It was supposed to start with the best convention and answered questions....I didn't get to go. It was supposed to be sunny and wonderful...I literally froze my feet purple. It was supposed to be a nice drive. No. The car was broken into. My wallet was gone. My make up was gone. Be brave for everyone else. Keep a level head. Go home, get ready, go to the last event of the night: the big black tie ward event everyone has been talking about for months. No. Nothing worked.

I started to cry behind closed doors. And I cried. And cried. I'm still crying. As in right now, as I type.

Now I have no money. No license. No makeup. No fun.

Instead I have:
anger
resentment
open insecurity
no boy
no one at home with the time to hold me
no money for food
...no food...
no fun tonight
AND
bitter ugly feelings that I don't like.

I'm not ok. I'm not brave.
I am mad.

Who am I? Where do I belong? Because it certianly isn't here

I started a paper today for my course on Diversity in the Classroom. I was asked to interview someone who is culturally and linguistically diverse from myself. I was to discover the struggles and successes they encountered while attending school. The purpose was to help future teachers like myself learn what they can do to be supportive of diverse students in their classroom.

I asked to interview my best friend on the Reservation. She is like my big sister. We talked for hours last night. I felt that I could identify with her plight, but only in the slightest way. I felt that I had been accepted on the Reservation and become one with the dirt...but I also know I fit in with the pioneer town just outside its boarders. I can enjoy and be accepted in both worlds, but I haven't decided which one I want to join.

I REALLY LOVED the introduction I created for my paper. I wanted to brag and share it with you. I feel it shows my love for dirt, and my love for the lush. It conveys how my heart can be connected to both worlds, but be torn by the contempt felt between the two communities. I hope you feel something. Anything. Just feel.

            "The Navajo Reservation is located where the four corners of Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona meet. It is also the location where the desert floor seems to blend into the sky in a transition of brown and gold to orange and yellow. It can hold the hot piercing air in a stagnant haze, or it can blow and twist as if the sky were a giant swirling whip. The Reservation holds the Navajo Nation, a separate governing entity, surrounded by the small white pioneer towns common to the Southwest. It is on the border of these two worlds where April ****** was born and raised. “Who am I?” she asks.

           "Between the Navajo city of Shiprock and the small farming town of Kirtland, New Mexico, runs the invisible boarder of the Reservation and the “outside world.” In this particular location, the line is drawn with a physical mountain: one side is spiked and jagged; the other is smooth and bulbously rising from the ground. One side is dirt, with sharp edges of rocks, shale, weeds, and cliffs. The other is green, billowy, and full of trees. “Where do I belong?” she wonders.

            "April asks herself these questions, because she certainly does not believe this is where she fits in or belongs. This invisible line is simply that: a division. There is no blending of ground and sky, just as there is no blending of cultures. Stale and stagnant faces ignore diversity with heated contempt, and yet swirling and twisting emotions torture the air. It is where the two cultures meet and clash that April tried to find who she was" 

The Most Awe Inspiring and Terrifying Thing

 
The highlight of my week was loving on a WEEK OLD BABY!!!! (The picture is just a picture, it isn't Baby L). His mom and I are the dearest of friends. We are practically the same person. We are the same size, build, and coloring. Our brains think the same way. We have similar majors. We were meant to be twins. This sweet new mom invited me to come over and for an hour I got to hold Baby L and just stare at him.

He is beautiful. He is soft. He is pure. He fits in my arms. It felt natural to have him curled up in my arms. Instantly, I loved Baby L.

This was one of the most surreal hours of my life. I knew about this baby boy before anyone else in the world (no joke, hubby and Twin Mommy knew, and then it was me). It was just the idea of him. The intangible idea that he was there, but not even visible enough for technology to see.

I saw Twin Mommy a week and a half ago, and now he is here. Breathing, sleeping, making noises, and existing in this big world.

I asked Twin Mommy if it felt real yet, or just babysitting,
Babysitting, for sure.

She explained how her thoughts had evolved and how this probably wouldn't be accepted as reality for quite a while. She is a mom. A person completely responsible for the life of another being. A being that has infinite and divine potential. Little Baby L will not go away. He will FOREVER be in Twin Mommy's charge.

And instantly, I was scared. I have always wanted to be a mother, always wanted that responsibility...but now I was scared. Here is a girl, who is just like me in every way, but now she has this infinite and eternal responsibility. Instantly I felt incompetent. Instantly I felt like retreating and not moving forward.

I didn't like that feeling. I did not like that the most wonderful creation in the world was in my arms, and I was nervous. I questioned myself. I questioned my ability to be who Heavenly Father wants me to be. That was so not the feeling I intended to have yesterday.

But Twin Mommy is amazing. She looked at me and could discern my thoughts.

"But you are not alone. This will be your stewardship. You are entitled to revelation about this. It is not what the world calls "Mother's Intuition"...it is divine revelation given to you, the mother, to do what is right for each child. You do what Heavenly Father inspires you to do. And you are successful." 

Look at that, only a week, and Twin Mommy is already growing and maturing, and becoming a better steward. She is my hero.