Saturday, October 24, 2015

Emotional Collateral

Its been a long time since I've written on the blog.

I graduated.
I finished my Teaching Internship.
I freaked out and almost canceled my wedding.
I moved forward anyways.
I got married, and was sooooo thankful that I did.
I fell in love with the Pacific North West.
But more importantly, I fell in love with my Husband.

He is my rock. I didn't realize he was...but he is. He has been solid when I am not.

And most of time...I am not.

Only very few people know how much I've been struggling. (Maybe only my spouse, my mentor at work, and my Heavenly Father truly know.)

I'm struggling.
I hide it.
At least, I try to.

It wasn't until this morning, that I realized what I have been hiding from myself.

Life is busy. There are high expectations at work. Being a newly wed will open your eyes to adult responsibilities. Large dinner parties with little space. No Dishwasher. Leaking sink. Carpets need cleaning. Bills, needs, wants.

Normal stuff.

But if it were only normal, I wouldn't be a secret mess.

Grandpa has cancer. Its hard. He's my biggest example. Always has been.

Its worse then we thought.
Members of my family are starting to really see the reality. They are taking it hard. You see the stress. You see the pain. For a tough family, there are an awful lot of tears.

Except I'm not crying. I don't feel it. I don't feel the depth of it.


Because I should.
And I wish I did.

I realized today why. I am so stressed from life, that I have shut myself down. I don't have the emotional collateral to invest in this life changing time. I don't feel much, because there is too much to handle. There are so many areas pulling at me, that if I did invest emotionally, I would completely shut down.

But there's too much to do. I can't shut down.

So... I rely on my rock. He holds me together when I think I'm fine, but he knows I'm not. Actually he holds me when I cry, and lets me use his shirt instead of a tissue. He reminds me to take time for myself, when all I want to do is check things off the list. He reminds me it will be ok if Grandpa leaves. He testifies to me, he prays for me, and he reminds me to be thankful for Eternity.

 (isn't he cute? he just happened to look up at the right moment)

Love him.

I don't know why I worried. This is what eternity looks like: being surrounded by those you love.