One Month of Alex

Alex insists that I don't ever blog anymore...aaaaaaand, he might be a little right, because I haven't posted in 6+ months.

(But with that in mind), he won't check this blog until I tell him to.

(Honeymoon in Washington)
I love this sweet man. So much. He tricked me into falling in love with him, and thank heavens he did. He surprises me every day with his love and adoration. I want to surprise him with mine.

April 23 marks one month until our 1 year anniversary...

...Every day for the next month I will post a reason why I love him.

If any of you (the three of you who read this) tell him, you will have me to deal with.

One Month of Alex
1.M.of.A #1
I love his cute little smile when he is pleased with me, or when he is happy to show me something.

Emotional Collateral

Its been a long time since I've written on the blog.

I graduated.
I finished my Teaching Internship.
I freaked out and almost canceled my wedding.
I moved forward anyways.
I got married, and was sooooo thankful that I did.
I fell in love with the Pacific North West.
But more importantly, I fell in love with my Husband.

He is my rock. I didn't realize he was...but he is. He has been solid when I am not.

And most of time...I am not.

Only very few people know how much I've been struggling. (Maybe only my spouse, my mentor at work, and my Heavenly Father truly know.)

I'm struggling.
I hide it.
At least, I try to.

It wasn't until this morning, that I realized what I have been hiding from myself.

Life is busy. There are high expectations at work. Being a newly wed will open your eyes to adult responsibilities. Large dinner parties with little space. No Dishwasher. Leaking sink. Carpets need cleaning. Bills, needs, wants.

Normal stuff.

But if it were only normal, I wouldn't be a secret mess.

Grandpa has cancer. Its hard. He's my biggest example. Always has been.

Its worse then we thought.
Members of my family are starting to really see the reality. They are taking it hard. You see the stress. You see the pain. For a tough family, there are an awful lot of tears.

Except I'm not crying. I don't feel it. I don't feel the depth of it.

Why?

Because I should.
And I wish I did.

I realized today why. I am so stressed from life, that I have shut myself down. I don't have the emotional collateral to invest in this life changing time. I don't feel much, because there is too much to handle. There are so many areas pulling at me, that if I did invest emotionally, I would completely shut down.

But there's too much to do. I can't shut down.

So... I rely on my rock. He holds me together when I think I'm fine, but he knows I'm not. Actually he holds me when I cry, and lets me use his shirt instead of a tissue. He reminds me to take time for myself, when all I want to do is check things off the list. He reminds me it will be ok if Grandpa leaves. He testifies to me, he prays for me, and he reminds me to be thankful for Eternity.

 (isn't he cute? he just happened to look up at the right moment)

Love him.

I don't know why I worried. This is what eternity looks like: being surrounded by those you love.

Teaching In Primary

No one may ever see this link, but yesterday I learned about the most wonderful resource on LDS.org.

I am a Special Ed Teacher, and working with children who have disabilities is a part of my daily life. Yesterday my professor showed us an incredible resource for individuals serving in the Primary. Church is trying to be increasingly aware of the needs of its members who have disabilites. And with that, the Church is also trying to help others understand and serve the one better.

This site is specifically for teachers in Primary who work with children who have disabilities. It can be overwhelming and stressful to have a student with a disability in your class. Its ok to say you are lost or don't know how to help. But if you use this site, it will help you to have more information at your fingertips.

https://www.lds.org/callings/primary/leader-resources/teaching-children/teaching-children-with-disabilities?lang=eng

Touching the Hem of the Savior's Garment

Today during Sacrament meeting, someone shared the New Testament story of the woman sick with a blood disease. She could find no other way to heal her broken body, and did all she could: she sat waiting simply to touch the hem of the Savior's Garment.

It was an extremely simple act of faith, but it was rejuvenating for her soul. It changed her. It healed her.

The speaker in Sacrament Meeting pointed out that when we come to church, it is our simple act of faith, of reaching out to touch the Savior's robe.We act in faith, coming, knowing the action is small, but it is what we can offer. We know we must seek His power, if only our fingertips can grasp it.

Cake

Today is my Mentor Teacher's birthday. The three of us Special Ed teachers got together early this morning to get ready. We decorated, signed the card, arranged the flowers, and displayed the GIANT Costco cake.

The kids were so distracted by it this morning, we invited them to just go in her office and look.

Fifteen minutes later, one little first grader kept looking into the office longingly. Eventually she turned to me and asked sincerely,

"When are we going to the party?"

"What party?"

She motioned her head towards the office...

"Oh honey, there is no party."

"But there are balloons and stuff."

"We just decorated to celebrate."

She thought for a little while. You could tell it wasn't quite computing in her head. Finally she said,
"But why is there CAKE?"

I tried not to die.
She was totally right. I guess if there is a birthday, decorations, and a cake....and you are 7....Then of COURSE there is a party.

Happiness

The Wilkins Clan is planning to load everyone (and the dog) up and drive to California for Christmas. We will be going to Disneyland. (Mostly because Mom said one day that we should, so we are.)

I was telling someone how excited I was for it...and I was told sometimes I act just like my kids (students)...in relation to being giddy.

I quickly responded....

"Why not let that kind of happiness be a part of every day life? Happiness is the purpose of existence, so I try to embrace it however I can.

I like to savor the moments of:
- a giggling child
- the smell of something delightful in the kitchen
- the colorful array of flowers
- a simple joke that is quite clever
- the warmth of a beloved quilt
- a tender kiss
- a simplistically elegant instrumental song
- the warmth of men's voices singing

There is always something to treasure...something we can be happy about."

Hidden Wounds - September Ensign 2014

Since returning home from my mission, I have been continually exposed to the pain and reality of pornography in today's society. I have seen it take over the lives of people I care about. I have seen the pain of those indirectly affected. I have seen families become filled with hurt as they watch one they love struggle. I have seen the joy and beauty of the Atonement. I have seen the full spectrum of its influence.

I was reading through the September 2014 Ensign yesterday, and discovered something wonderful. It was a article for parents about teenagers and their exposure to pornography. It was very straightforward, and I greatly appreciated it. It is not a matter of if our children come in contact with pornography, but when. And when it happens, how will they handle the situation. How will we handle the outcomes? Will we act as the Savior would?

I was so impressed by the perspective presented in the introduction, that I wanted to share it. Even though I know there are a grand total of 5 people who actually read this, I want the world to know this was a big deal for me.

Hidden Wounds - By: Jennifer Grace Fallon
"In the great battle for the city Cumeni, Helaman tells of his 2,060 stripling warriors who 'fought most desperately' against their enemies (Alma 57:19). While 'there was not one soul of them who did perish' in battle, 'neither was there one soul among them who had not received many wounds" (Alma 57:25). Many of these teenage soldiers were so terribly wounded that they fainted from the loss of blood.

"These young warriors fought a battle that their parents could not fight for them, and they fought it because their society had been attacked. A similarly disastrous war rages among modern teenagers, for similar reasons. Today's parents can no more fight the spiritual battles for their youth than the people of Ammon could. But they can learn to recognize the spiritual wounds this war inflicts and arm their children with the knowledge and resources they will need to survive."



Wow. I wish I had seen it this way before. Maybe my heart would not have been so hard when this war appeared in my line of sight. Maybe I would have been more loving and courageous myself. Maybe judgements would be more Christ-like.