sitting

I may not have stopped mid stride to write this....but I stopped. (and I may have already been sitting....)

...but I sat...

and I wrote.

I have been different since coming home. I know that. I joy in that. I am thankful for it.

And every once and a while, I am reminded that I am very different.

Its a good thing.

I sat down in the Auditorium this morning. 

Devotional. Member of the Seventy. Good stuff. 

Enlightenment coming.

Waiting to start.

Reading a book....for class....

...on a woman who gives birth to an extreme preemie....

only 24 weeks.

And the reality of her life: Doctors, more doctors, needles, medicine, feeding tubes, oxygen, etc.

Her life is real. Her life is raw. Her life has true love, despite the opposition.

She is real. She is raw. She lives life, choosing to love the child who is different.

My heart pounds, it swells, it breaks, it rebuilds, it feels for this mother.

.....

And then the girls sat next to me. 

I am not like them. They are young.

Very young.

They sound young. They act young. 

At first I think in a slightly condescending way, "Freshmen"

I let it go, and try to keep reading.

But I can't. Because they are loud. And they are young. And they are LOUD as they talk about all of the young things they are doing. Are those things important? No. But to the girls, it is their whole world.

An then I am irritated.

DON'T YOU GET IT? THERE IS LIFE! IT IS REAL! IT IS RAW!

And you are talking about being young.

There is nothing wrong about being young. It is good to be there, care free and young.

But I am not young like them anymore.

And I am glad.

I am ready for real. 

For raw. For love. For forgiveness. For reality. For the Atonement.

I am raw. I strive for love. I seek to forgive and be forgiven. I try to live in reality. I see the Atonement.

I am not that young.

I don't want young anymore.

I am growing up.

It is a good thing.

Pause

I have moments, every single day, where I want to stop, mid stride, and throw my head back and yell at the sky:

PAUSE

and then I would proceed to sit cross legged on the ground (this is obviously a dream, because you all know my knees are far too messed up for me to sit cross legged comfortably), whip out a keyboard and start writing my amazing thoughts for this blog. 

I really do have good ideas. 

They usually come right as I am walking out of the McKay building...

but then I have class, or a long walk home, or a date with the library....

...and then the thought is gone.

poof

a whisp of something that would have been interesting

a taste of my inner hidden emotions

a sparkling moment in time

But instead, you get this. Non-enlightening.

Sorry. You got the fuzzy side of the lolly pop.

How interesting.

Second Day of Class.

Today we talked about humility, pride, and meekness in relation to learning. The teacher asked for a definition of Meekness. 

I raised my hand and said:

"To be meek is to be willing to learn, but learning with Humility. When Pride accompanies learning, it is all about how much more can you attain (more than others). When Humility accompanies learning, you are willing to learn in any way the Lord sees fit."

And then I discovered this on Facebook.

Today I had a missionary tender mercy. I went to a friend's homecoming talk, and a man who seemed kinda rough on the edges came and sat by me. He had a white shirt and tie on, but he had tattoos up and down his arms. He had experienced a hard life, but I could tell that he really wanted to be at church. He sat down during the opening announcements and I didn't get to talk to him.

He was obviously relatively new to the process, but he knew when to sing and when to bow his head for the Sacrament. During the sacrament the prompting to speak to him was powerful enough that I could not mistake it. 

BUT HOW IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TTI SOMEONE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF SACRAMENT MEETING?!??!?!? 

(tti: is an acronym from my mission. Teach Testify Invite)

But the opportunity arose, and I didn't miss it. I jumped on it and kept going. All throughout the meeting we had little whispered conversations. When it was over, he got my number and we decided to stay in contact. I told the friend who spoke (Chris) about it and he got all excited....because his dad is the Ward Mission Leader! Oh Happy Day! So I talked to his dad, and we came up with a small plan to work with this guy. His name is Alex and he was baptized as a kid, and he is trying to change his life around. I am going to come and visit every once and a while and I offered my help in teaching and befriending him.

WAHOO!! I love the feeling I get when I do missionary work. It was just a simple conversation, but it was a followed prompting, and that made all the difference.

Moments...

This was a Mormon Message video I discovered my first week in the MTC over 2 years ago. It inspired me deeply then, and it has inspired me ever since. I reflect on its images and message often. I may have previously shared this on the blog before, but I had the desire to share it again.

This time it was the quotes in the beginning of the clip that touched me most.

Cold Enough to Keep Moving Forward

If you read this often, then you know I am reading the Fire of the Covenant....which is my favorite book. It is about the Martin and Willie Handcart companies. The book is divided into sections relating the the challenges of the trip. Each starts with a quote that describes the general theme of that portion of the story. This is a Quote from Neal A. Maxwell, that describes the first winter storm that plagued the Handcart Saints.

"How could we expect to be joyous and to receive all that 'the Father hath' if we do not strive to become like Him? And, in fact, can we, on our scale, be like Him without sharing in the 'fellowship of his suffering'? He shares with us His work; does that not suggest the need for our sharing, too, some of the suffering?...

"If in all of this there is some understandable trembling, the adrenaline of affliction can help to ensure that our pace will be brisk rather than casual. His grace will cover us like a cloak-enough to provide for survival but too think to keep out all the cold. The seeming cold is there to keep us from drowsiness, and the gospel gladness warms us enough to keep going."

Do you feel a little cold? Don't worry. It keeps you moving forward. It helps you stay on your toes. Just rub your arms and start moving around: you will get busy and the cold will start to disappear.

Sometimes....

This is an excerpt from a letter I sent to Sister Kelsey Isaacson....Some Names have been omitted...

Sometimes I have a really hard time waiting for you to come home.

Sometimes I want to just see you and start laughing so hard that we cry....and then we just cry it all out.

Sometimes I think waiting for you until February won't be so bad...because tomorrow will be my 6 months home mark.

Sometimes I hate that I have been home that long.

Sometimes I am really glad that I have experienced the things I did over the last 6 months.

Sometimes I like to think about you, Sis. Leafty, Elder Huff, and the gnome.

Sometimes I laugh so hard about it I want to wet myself.

Sometimes I am not very happy.

Sometimes I am moapy.

Sometimes (most of the time) I don't know why.

BUT....sometimes I read my favorite book (Fire of the Covenant by G. Lund) and I become happy.

Sometimes I realized why I love that book.

Sometimes that book makes me feel empowered.

If you have not read Fire of the Covenant, it is about the Martin and Willie handcart companies. There is the cutest love story in it. I have always loved the strength of the Pioneers, and the enduring love between Maggie and Eric. But then something clicked this week....

I have been moapy and sad and not able to snap out of it. I was asking all sorts of questions to heaven, but not sitting still or being quiet enough to hear any answers. And I was feeling lonely.....

CLICK! MELINDA! Knock it off! You are pioneer strong! you have always been tough. you are being sissy. snap out of it. buck up and move forward. does moaping make you feel better? no. does complaining make your knees feel better? no. does wanting **** here make him show up? no. so put on your big girl panties, pick up the shafts of your handcart, and start walking up that hill. get to the top and start again! go. MOVE! now!...

and then I realized that I loved the love story because it is what I want. and not just that I like it, but that I WANT it. A slow love. a trusting love. an enduring love. A love that allows the stubborn and feisty girl to fall for the quiet and strong boy. when she can't push any longer, he knows how to inspire her. he knows when to carry her. he knows when she needs to be slapped to save her life (seriously that happens. She is getting delirious in the snow, and he slaps her to wake her up and keep her going.) MY MAN NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. 

But I won't be able to have that love story if I don't start acting strong like the pioneer woman I want to be.

Pioneer Strong.

I will be pioneer strong.