sitting

I may not have stopped mid stride to write this....but I stopped. (and I may have already been sitting....)

...but I sat...

and I wrote.

I have been different since coming home. I know that. I joy in that. I am thankful for it.

And every once and a while, I am reminded that I am very different.

Its a good thing.

I sat down in the Auditorium this morning. 

Devotional. Member of the Seventy. Good stuff. 

Enlightenment coming.

Waiting to start.

Reading a book....for class....

...on a woman who gives birth to an extreme preemie....

only 24 weeks.

And the reality of her life: Doctors, more doctors, needles, medicine, feeding tubes, oxygen, etc.

Her life is real. Her life is raw. Her life has true love, despite the opposition.

She is real. She is raw. She lives life, choosing to love the child who is different.

My heart pounds, it swells, it breaks, it rebuilds, it feels for this mother.

.....

And then the girls sat next to me. 

I am not like them. They are young.

Very young.

They sound young. They act young. 

At first I think in a slightly condescending way, "Freshmen"

I let it go, and try to keep reading.

But I can't. Because they are loud. And they are young. And they are LOUD as they talk about all of the young things they are doing. Are those things important? No. But to the girls, it is their whole world.

An then I am irritated.

DON'T YOU GET IT? THERE IS LIFE! IT IS REAL! IT IS RAW!

And you are talking about being young.

There is nothing wrong about being young. It is good to be there, care free and young.

But I am not young like them anymore.

And I am glad.

I am ready for real. 

For raw. For love. For forgiveness. For reality. For the Atonement.

I am raw. I strive for love. I seek to forgive and be forgiven. I try to live in reality. I see the Atonement.

I am not that young.

I don't want young anymore.

I am growing up.

It is a good thing.